He Married Her To Get His Green Card, But I Want To Marry Him & Have His Babies

Dear todaysgist reader,

 I am a young mother of three. Unfortunately, my children’s father and I are not together. The guy I’m dating I’ve know for about 7 years now. We’ve been just friends for the last 5 years. Shortly after we met in 2006, he moved to Florida. We stayed in touch and he became one of my best friends. 

We wouldn’t talk every single day, but whenever we did talk we spoke about any and everything. He knows things about me that no one else knows. While he was in Florida he got married. At first he stated his marriage was solely to get his “papers” because he was an immigrant. As time passed he and the young lady dated and fell in love. So, now they are married for love, “supposedly.” Fast forward….they’ve now been married a couple of years and we are still in touch.

 He finally got around to filing for his stuff and now has his “stuff.” The relationship started to wither between the two of them, and after having enough he decided to move back to New York. Upon him moving back to New York we started talking a little more than before. I was single and while he was still legally married, he was “single” as well. It wasn’t long before we started dating.

 But, what was once never an issue for me is now becoming my very harsh reality. He says he is still legally married because he hasn’t yet filed for his citizenship (he only has green card status), and as soon as he completes that then he will get a divorce. He lives in his “wife’s” parent’s home in New York and she (the wife) pops in and out of New York without my knowledge of her ever being here. It is now almost two years and absolutely no change has been made. 

We’re still dating and I use the term “dating” very loosely, for we only go out if I ask him to accompany me to the movies or dinner or something and I foot the bill. It has been many nights he’s unreachable without any reason at all, besides maybe he fell asleep or he forgot his phone in his car. He doesn’t want to get married again and he doesn’t wants to have kids with me. So he’s still legally married, living in his “in-laws” house and no signs of anything changing, anytime soon. I want more. 

I want to get married because I’ve never been before. I also would like to have more kids because I never had a great experience being pregnant. Am I being naive? Am I wrong because I knew of his situation before our relationship got personal? Should I walk away or stick around and see if things are going to change once he gets his citizenship in order?

Read more »

11 Tips To Make Him Fall In Love

Be yourself!

The first rule to make him fall in love with you is to be yourself. If he will love you for something, let that be your special character and your extraordinary mind. Don’t pretend to be someone you are not. Don’t do anything that isn’t you. He’ll find out that you are faking as soon as you’ll be tired of pretending to be his dream woman and start being yourself. What will happen then? He might not like what he sees; he’ll feel betrayed, and he’ll probably run from you. After all, you do have enough self respect to be loved for what you really are, don’t you?

Be confident!

Being yourself alone isn’t enough. You also have to believe in yourself. Many women remain single because of their low self-esteem. I once met a girl that wasn’t that pretty, but she claimed that she could have any man she wanted. She told me, “It doesn’t matter how you look, it matters what you think of yourself.” Later that night I met her boyfriend. They were on a long-term relationship and they seemed to be happy together. This woman was acting like she was wearing an invisible crown; and it was working.

Are you too shy and don’t know how to “promote” yourself? Here is a tip: think about what your good parts are. Do you have a great humor? Then use it! Guys appreciate humor as mush as girls do!

Do not overreact!

When you like someone and you want to make him like you too, it’s very easy to make a fool of yourself. Don’t be too loud or too invisible; don’t laugh for no reason, don’t say anything that pops into your head. That usually happens when you are too nervous about what he’ll think of you – there is no reason to be so stressed. Just relax, take a big breath and act like he is one of your friends.

Look gorgeous!

First impressions are always important. Not that personality and confidence don’t count, but looking gorgeous whenever he gets to see you, will make your life a lot easier. If you are one of those girls that can’t tell the difference between eyeliner and concealer, put your face’s fate in to your girlfriends’ hands (and makeup kits)!. She will make the best of the beauty God blessed you with!

Be friendly – Smile and compliment him

The first step to make a guy like you is to get close to him. Who can resist the company of a friendly and happy face?

Have you ever noticed that although men compliment us a lot, we don’t do the same? Make the difference. Tell him how handsome he looks. He won’t see it coming, plus, he’ll understand you are interested (keep in mind that most of the times, guys don’t have a clue that we may like them). Jean Giraudoux said about compliments: “When you see a woman who can go nowhere without a staff of admirers, it’s not so much because they think she is beautiful, but because she has told them they are handsome”.

Listen to the boys!

I don’t imply that all men are the same, or that all see the same way, but it’s always good to take some good advice from the boys. Ask your friends if their girlfriends said or did something they liked, or hated. When you learn about common mistakes girls do during dates or during a relationship, just try to avoid doing them!

Play hard-to-get!

This is an old trick that never goes out of fashion! Make him jealous; don’t answer all his phone calls, and don’t be always available for him. Hang out with other guys too – let him believe you have many admirers. Men are competitive by nature, so he’ll fight for your attention. As soon as he does, he’ll start wondering: “Why am I jealous? Am I so interested in this girl?” You’ll know you have won his heart…

Play on your turf!

Invite him over to your place for a cup of coffee or a movie. You will feel very comfortable if you meet at your house. There are many things you can do if you stay indoors. What’s more, you can invite him to hang out with your friends. They are the people that know how to make you look even cooler than he already thinks you are! They are always in the mood to say something nice or tell some awesome stories about you.

Find out about him.

To get into his heart, you have to get into his mind first. Find out what he’s made of. Ask people that know him to discover what he likes and dislikes. Do you have something in common? Maybe you listen to the same music, or you both like to play chess. Take advantage of the information you’ve got. Challenge him in to a game of chess or start a conversation about the bands you both enjoy.

Let me tell you a brief story to justify why ‘having things in common’ is so important. I was out the other day when I overheard 3 guys in their 20′s. One of them was saying, “I met this really cool girl I think I really like. She drinks Red Bull too!” The others seemed to agree with him. I stopped and stared at them before I burst out laughing. Excuse me? What does drinking Red Bull have to do with anything? Funny as it is, every detail counts!

Get to know his friends!

To win his heart, try to win his friends first. For men, friendship is very important. Take it for granted that he trusts his friends’ opinions, and he faithfully follows their advice. If there is someone that can influence him, it will be his friends. So, the sooner you get to know them and the more they like you, the more possible it is to be with him!

And if nothing works…

We’re always looking into strange books and books that can help us overcome difficult situations. Lately I’ve stumbled upon a book that I have found very interesting especially for someone that has been separated with his/her other half but can’t stand it and want him back into his life. It’s a very good book with practical and real advice that can help you win your other half back.

Read more »

Love Advice For Singles - How Not To Fall In Love

NEVER FALL IN LOVE BECAUSE OF PITY, IF YOU DO YOU MAY NOT BE PITIED. This message is very key especially to singles. We are living in days, where love is always influenced. Money influences love, tribe and status influences love. 

This ought not to be. Love is supposed to be unconditional. One thing that must not influence your love for someone is PITY. Do not enter into a love relationship based on pity. Do not remain in a bad relationship because of pity. 

The person you pitied and loved, may not pity you,LATER. He or she may throw the love back at you when the time comes. Love because you decided to, not because of money, status, pity or tribe. True love is not influenced, with or without the love stays. 

Money is good, status is wonderful, but make sure your love is not based on them...What i am saying in a nut shell is that you should check what is influencing your love BEFORE IT DEVELOPS INTO A RELATIONSHIP. Wisdom is profitable to direct. Ecclesiastes 10:10.

Read more »

Dear Todaysgist Readers: Please help me!

Before I begin, I'm 33 yrs old, full-time single mother to a beautiful 8 month old girl. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years.The beginning of our relationship was great, perfect, we both love s*x sometimes we have 2 or 3 times in a night until l started having some weird changes in my private part, increase in vaginal discharges and pain during s*xual intercourse.

 l went to the hospital ,took some test and result came out that i have Chlamdia (sexually transmitted disease). The honest truth is that l never had s*x in 13 years. He knows it and he is the first guy I had unprotected s*x with when we met .l kindly sat him down and asked him if he has had Chalmdia before or has had any unprotected s*x with another woman.

 He got angry, shouted, denied, pointed finger at me and accused me of cheating and having disease, OMG men. Was speechless, disturbed and cried. I do not know any other man that has touched me at all. l've done everything to prove my loyalty, love, respect, faithfulness, everything to him. Second issue. 

Was diagnosed of fabriod last two years and i told my close friend and she adviced me not to tell him but since i love him i couldn't keep it as secret, so l told him. He promised me that we will get married and start a family and convinced me to get pregnant which i did after 5 months. As soon as i got pregnant his mood changed. i struggled alone from day 1 until the baby gal was born last year.We have never had s*x for the past one year seven months now. He refused me completely even when i try. 

 He moved out from our apartment and visit us once in 2 or 3 weeks or even a month. We had misunderstanding last week and he told me that I'm ungrateful because he has done me good by giving me a child because the doctor said I can't have any kids. He sent me a break up text message three days ago. l realize I'm losing myself with a lot of thoughts. I am stuck on the qualities he has shown me, great man, affectionate, loving, hard working, but why does he lose control when it comes to me? Please help me. Ms Q

Read more »

She Is Still Rejecting My Proposal After 18 Months Of Intense 'Toasting'

Hi pals!i've been in love with this girl since i set my eyes on her,i tried all manly codes i've got but,all to no avail,she claims she's on a date but,i know she's trying to fend off my interest in her.

This GIRL is not only pretty,she's also tall,slim,brilliant with all outstanding girlish qualities.Am not keen on her friendship offer which i term as RIDICULOUS.

I dream of her everytime and told her but she took it with a childish gesture.help me pals on how to trash out a deal with her,i wish to sign her up.

Read more »

12 Things That Men Love In A Lady, Aside Good Looks and Shape

Things Men Like in Women often have nothing to do with Looks, bra size, Big nyansh,Big b00bs or any of the standard things we think men fall for. In fact, although physical appearance is the first thing they notice , when it comes to settling down it often comes in last and counts the least. Believe it or not, there are at least 12 or more completely non-physical things men like in women and I’m pretty sure your boyfriends or Husbands to be could list many more and confirm that your gorgeous physique, beautiful eyes and soft lips are not the only things that made him fall head over heels for you!

1. A GOOD LISTENER-: Most men appreciate women who are able to just listen – no “ I told you so” lines, no lectures, tips or comments regarding what you would do if you were in his place. You know… just sitting, listening (and I mean REALLY listening)… just showing that you care. Oh, and that involves being patient as well, understanding that most men need to “process” their problems before they can talk about them and learning to say, “Okay, baby, whenever you want to talk about it – I’m here for you”.

2. SPONTANEOUS-: Being able to “go with the flow” is one of the things men like in women the most . Most of our men would never sing in front of us (professional singers excluded) but they just love to hear us sing ( even if it sounds more like howling), they love to see us dance around the house, they will gladly throw us a surprise if they know the reaction would be positive and they love to see us being us (even if it involves a certain dose of silliness).

3. A GOOD DRIVER-: Although our men often complain about female drivers, most of them would agree driving skills are a must for a modern woman. But, some of them are ready to do go even further and admit they LOVE a woman who can make that engine purr like an overgrown kitten ! Shocking? Nah, not really! 

4. ACCOMPLISHED & FULFILLED-: Women who actually enjoy the things they do are more attractive, which means you should definitely stop whining about the things you DON’T have and start enjoying the things you DO! It’s not about being extremely beautiful, having a good job, an impressive resume or whatnot – it’s about you being happy for who you are as a person, it’s about being positive, about knowing that you’re a great woman who deserves great things. And, believe me, it’s true that bad luck never travels alone, but the same can be said for good luck as well.

5. ABLE TO ENJOY HER FOOD-: Eating healthy food and trying to cut down on unnecessary calories is one thing, obsessively counting them is something completely different and, while this first thing is actually good for you, the second one won’t really impress him. Being able to go out to a restaurant or a pizza place, to relax, to have a good time and talk about your food in terms of how good it tastes instead of how fat it’s going to make you shows that you’re confident… and we already know confidence is one of the things Men (real men) like in women – don’t we? 

6. A GOOD COOK-: Our grandmas used to say that the only way to get to a man’s heart is through his stomach – remember that one? Well, we did learn by now that’s not the only way although it certainly is one of the ways and, if I may add, a very good one. Men love women who can cook and women who would be willing to learn to cook for them. That’s when that traditional part of the brain turns on to note the woman in question would be a good wife. It’s a clich ?, I know, but even experts agree on this one!

7. REAL-: Although fake girls with their fake this, that and everything turn a lot of heads and probably get a lot of free drinks, most men have agreed they could never choose a girl like that for something more than just a casual romance. Whoa! What a coincidence – we feel the same way about fake guys! LOL! Which leads us back to that ideal, fun loving, girl next door all guys love– a girl that likes to smile and doesn’t care what others think of her smile (thin lips, teeth or whatever), a girl that can tell a joke, a girl that doesn’t use “words” like O.M.G or T.T.Y.L, a girl that won’t have a nervous breakdown every time her mascara starts running… a REAL girl!

8. READY TO COMPROMISE-: Every man feels better when he knows his lady is ready to negotiate and work hard to find a solution that will be acceptable for both sides so hope you’re ready to compromise girls, because, although guys like b00bs and long legs, they all agree this non-physical quality is far more important.

9.CARING-: He really wants to know that you care for him but, be careful, because repeating “I love you” until he can’t take it anymore isn’t a good way to let him know how you feel. An average man will tell you that he loves you once and show you how much he loves you five times. You should do the same. Baby him when he’s sick or tired, surprise him every once in a while, listen to his problems – SHOW him everything you wanted to tell him because this quality is one of the very important things Men like in Women.

10. FUNNY-: A sense of humor is also one of the things men like in women, especially in women they are planning to settle down with! Time to find your funny bone, ladies! Now, I wonder why is that so… are they planning to make a lot of jokes or they just want to make sure we’re able to find positive or maybe even funny sides in the future events that aren’t guaranteed to be stress free and easy? LOL! Don’t know but a sense of humor definitely gets my vote! 

11. TAKING CARE OF HERSELF-: Could you believe this is one of the things men like in women? I mean, come on, could it be? They actually LIKE when we spend money on all those creames and beauty products? Well, hold on to your chairs now, ladies, because the experts say the answer is “Yes”. Taking care of yourself shows him you’ll take good care of him as well and since they are the ones who enjoy all the benefits of our waxing, beauty treatments and shopping, they might as well admit they like it. I NO TALK SAY MAKE UNA GO RUB BLEACHING CREAME O 

12. STRONG-: One of the best things men like in women, a quality like no others, a virtue that no woman of today could live without – strength. You don’t have to lose your best damsel in distress act, in fact, you can even let him “save” you once in a while, but he has to know you’ll be there in case things start to get ugly. He has to know that there is a strong rock he can grab for under that delicate butterfly facade of yours – a woman he can count on.

You see, things men like in women are almost the same as the things women like in men. Interesting, huh? Certainly! Do you know of any other things men like in women? Feel free to ADD yours here..

Read more »

Whenever I refuse him my salary, he says I don’t love him

I’m a 27 year old doctor dating one engineer. I got a job where he works and he gave me a room to stay.

 Here with him now, I discovered that he lied to me about things, including his salary. He doesn’t have money for feeding and he’s broke every month end. 

 He borrows from me and takes my money in my absence without paying back. He just told me he lost his job five months but that he didn’t know how to tell me.

 He depends on my salary to foot his bills. Whenever I refuse he says I don’t love him. 

 I need to hear from you guys

Read more »

8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Man

1. “You’re just like your father.

“This is just a no-no,” says Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker and author of The Pathway to Love . “It’s nasty and belittling, and it gets at his fear that he may be exhibiting the worst traits of his family.” If you’re about to spout a criticism like this, stop and think about what’s behind it:

Maybe your father-in-law is the kind of guy who never cleans up after himself, and your husband’s habit of leaving dirty dishes around the house is getting to you. According to Ford, you should skip the insult and get right to a reasonable request, such as: 

“Hon, when you’re done with your sandwich, can you bring your dish over to the sink?” That way, you can achieve your goals without hurting him in the process.Photo: Shutterstock

2. “When are you going to find a new job?”

First, figure out why you want him to find a new job so badly. Do you dislike how much time he spends away from home? Do you think he can or should be further ahead career-wise? Is he not bringing home a healthy-enough salary? “Before you say anything that could be hurtful to him, think about what your own issues are,” says Ford.

 Be particularly careful that you're not attacking his ability to support you and the kids: “Part of how a man evaluates himself is by how well he can take care of his family,” says Ford, so insulting him in this sensitive area can be a serious blow. 

To avoid this, have regular talks about both of your jobs, career ambitions and budget concerns. If you have an issue with how much money he’s making, “it’s an opportunity to talk about your lifestyle and how you want to live,” she adds. The aim is to avoid putting him on the defensive, and instead work together to create the life you both want.Photo: Shutterstock

Find out what your boss won't tell you.

3. “My mother warned me you’d do this!”

Something must have seriously infuriated you, because what you’re doing here is letting him know that there are others in your “camp.” “You are trying to validate your ‘side’ of an argument, as though you’re marshalling an army to your side,” says Orlov. But that’s never a good idea because it’s telling him that you’re not onhisside, or on the side of your relationship.

 Though you should never let the opinions of others’ dictate your relationship, if there is some kernel of truth to a concern that your mother raised, think about how to address that. “Maybe your mother said ‘he’s too cheap,’” says Orlov. 

“Say to him, ‘why do you sometimes seem reluctant to spend money on things we need?’” Without ganging up on him, that could open up a discussion about money worries that stem from his childhood, for example. 

“Room is now cleared for creative problem-solving,” says Orlov. And if you’re just lashing out? Hold your tongue and focus on the root of what’s making you mad. In the end, coming to a solution together will make you feel better than unleashing hurtful words.Photo: Shutterstock

4. “Just leave it––I’ll do it myself!

This is hurtful in two ways. First, it gets at your husband’s elemental need to be a provider, supporter and capable person in the house. Second, it’s just plain demeaning for any adult to hear that his efforts are sub-par. 

Do this too often and your husband might think, “I can never do anything right or anything that’ll please her,” says Ford. 

A better choice is to pick your battles. If he’s in the middle of a task and you think that he’s doing it wrong, evaluate whether it really matters, keeping in mind that, just because he’s doing something differently than you would doesn’t mean that he’s doing it wrong—he is, after all, an adult too. Sure, if he’s about to hurt himself or someone else or break something, kindly step in. But if he’s just loading the dishwasher in a way that drives you nuts? Let it be. 

Save time by cleaning these household items in the dishwasher.

5. “You always... [fill in the blank]” or “You never... [fill in the blank]”

“These are two phrases I advise couples never to use,” says Ford, “because they set up an instant, negative tone; they halt communication and they put the other person on the defensive.” These blanket statements can make your husband feel unfairly attacked, and chances are he’ll just fire back with all the times hedidhelp.

 If there are legitimate problems you’d like to address (he really does tend to leave his tools all over the garage floor or often forgets to put gas in the car after driving it), avoid generalizing and try to focus on the issue at hand while also communicating how his actions make you feel: 

“When you come home with an empty tank of gas, I feel like you don't care about the next person who has to drive the car—which is usually me.” Then add the phrase “would you be willing...,” suggests Ford. Try: “Would you be willing to fill up the car when it gets below a quarter tank?” Most men are willing to do most anything that’ll make you happy––it’s all in how you ask.

6. “Do you really think those pants are flattering?”

Are you trying to hint that he’s putting on weight? Because saying the above, says Ford, is not getting anything concrete across. You may think that you’re subtly conveying the message, but instead you’re insulting his looks without showing any genuine concern for his health. Instead, start with something you like about how he looks: 

“When you wear that blue shirt, it really makes me appreciate your gorgeous blue eyes.” Then broach the topic of his weight gain by framing the comment so it’s about his health, not looks: “Honey, what do you think about us both starting after-dinner walks?” When you’ve softened up your approach, you have more room to make other, helpful suggestions.

Ensure all your clothes fit perfectly by following this expert advice.

7. “Ugh, we’re hanging out with him again?

There’s nothing wrong with your guy having a friend whose company you don’t love—no one says spouses are required to adore each other’s friends, especially that one college pal who likes to pretend he and your hubby never left the frat house. 

What is wrong is insulting your man’s choice of friends. Your disdain may also suggest that you’d prefer to pick his friends for him—and no one wants to be told who they should be pals with. A better choice: “Oh, honey, you know I don’t always enjoy doing the same things as you and George, so why don’t you plan a guys’ night instead?’” suggests Ford. 

Remember, there’s no marriage rule that says you two have to do everything together; he might actually be relieved to have a little guy time with his pal that doesn't involve him having to worry if you’re having fun or are offended by his friend’s jokes. (And keep this in mind: If a friend is really awful, your husband is much more likely to see that on his own, over time, whereas if you nag him to drop the dolt it may never happen.)Photo: Paul Bradbury / Getty Images

8. “Please watch the kids. But don’t do this, take them here or forget that...”

This is a classic nervous-new-mom move: When you’re in anxiety mode, it can be hard to let go of childcare tasks (even though you would love to have more help). It’s also an attitude that can become a habit no matter how long you’ve been a mom, leading to some very unhealthy feelings: You may become resentful because he doesn’t pitch in, but you don’t always give him room to, either. At the end of the day, no husband is going to be inspired to be a better, more hands-on and involved dad if his every effort is shot down, says Orlov. 

“If he always feels like he’s wrong, he’ll only start to disconnect emotionally.” So let Dad be Dad. Trust that he knows as well as you do how to keep a child clean, safe and fed—even if his definitions of those tasks are slightly different than your own. That said, if there are things he needs to know, like how to use the stroller or what the pediatrician’s phone number is, definitely give him the rundown.

Read more »